By Goldie of Glitter, Boom & Better Magic (a very real school that totally exists)
Let’s get one thing straight: I did not intend to enroll. I was just passing through, looking for a cinnamon bun and possibly a dimensionally unstable wind crystal. Normal pixie errands.
But then I saw the flyers—“Awaken Your Elemental Potential!” “Elevate Your Mind and Spirit!” “Float Through Enlightenment!” And I thought: Oh no, this is going to be so much fun.
🌀 Arrival: 2 out of 5 gusts
They didn’t have a front desk. Just a lot of stairs. Which is fine—I fly—but some of us like a dramatic entrance. Where was the mist curtain? The magical welcome banner? The confetti cannon?
Instead, I got hit in the face with a gust of sanctimonious wind and a monk who said I was “disturbing the energy.” Rude.
🪨 Curriculum: 3.5 stars (if you like “discipline” and “stillness”)
The students sit around meditating while storms swirl outside. I tried to start a conversation (for their own good!), but apparently that’s “disruptive to the internal spiral.” I don’t even know what that means.
They do breathing exercises. I set off a glitter burst to “enhance the moment.” They did not appreciate that.
One student was practicing air magic and got a little lift. I cheered. He crashed into a spire. I apologized! Eventually.
🍪 Facilities: 1 out of 5
No snack tables. No tea. Not even a faint scent of baked goods. Just incense. So much incense.
I asked where the kitchens were. They said, “We feed the soul here.” Well my soul wanted cookies, and your kitchen was locked.
Also, I’m pretty sure the wind spirit in Tower Four was flirting with me. But he kept changing shape mid-sentence, so I may have been talking to a banner. Hard to say.
🧘♀️ Staff: 3 out of 5 (with attitude)
The Head Air Elemental told me I “lack spiritual focus.” I told him he lacked proper airflow management. We agreed to disagree.
To his credit, he did attempt to teach me levitation through breathwork. I succeeded. Temporarily. Crashed into the ceiling fan. Worth it.
💫 Overall Goldie Rating:
⭐️⭐️☆☆☆ – Too floaty, not enough frosting. Excellent for dramatic cloaks and brooding. Would visit again, but only with snacks and backup.
✨ Final Thoughts:
If you’re into silence, wind symbolism, and nearly getting blown off a cliff for “spiritual clarity,” this place is perfect. If you’re more of a sparkle-bomb and snack-based learning type… maybe stick to my classes.
Still, I hear Ria lit the place on fire once, and honestly, respect (or was that Rah Hahsessah? Whatever. Still awesome).
🧁 With magic, Goldie
P.S. You can read about the Temple (and the very dramatic students who don’t appreciate my help) in Rule of Fire – on sale now! Just don’t say I didn’t warn you about the stairs.
